The past few days has felt like my mind is wore out…like a great battle took place in it and all that is left is the shrapnel…the broken mechanisms of war, the remnants of what I believed to be safe firm structures, and swirling dust. My once familiar home that I often found refuge in is now in shambles. The street I walked down a million times now appears strange and forboding. I can’t figure out which direction I am facing. My heart feels like it is hanging on a fence post waiting for it’s owner to return. My thoughts seem to be wandering through the city surveying the destruction not being sure what they are even seeing. I pass by what appears to be what is left of a car, but it could be a fruit stand. Did I drive it or get sustenance from it? I can’t tell. Although this sounds sad, I oddly don’t feel sad. I actually feel hopeful because it is like the old that I was clinging to is being torn down and destroyed. Old ways of believing, old ways of seeing, old ways of surviving. I don’t know what will replace the ‘old ways’, but I pray that God guides my steps into the new.
Today was pretty good. I could see a lot of things to be thankful for. Mostly I could see how God is in control. We work against God so often instead of trusting him. It is so hard for us to submit to him sometimes. We want to be in control. We want so badly to see the outcomes that we want. We think we can change things on our own. If it happens then we are happy. If it doesn’t then we are discouraged. It seems to me that if we can walk in faith our perspective aligns with God’s and suddenly we aren’t moved as much by the constant flux of life. Of course, we need the Spirit to do that as well. I say all this because of 3 stories of struggle I heard today. Each of them were directly related to being out of control. They each were upset by the lack of control in their situations. I could completely understand how they felt because of course I have been there and might be there tomorrow. It feels maddening mainly because we are believing a partial lie. We believe that we can do something. We believe that if we, in our own might, could just try a little harder or do something better then we would get the result we are looking for. In reality, we depend on God for everything even our eyes blinking. We need him for it all. There is something that we can do though. We can pray and trust (have faith) that God knows what he is doing. Also, we think that somehow the situation reflects our worth. We think that if we were better then we would be worth more. When in reality we are all each created for a reason by a Holy and righteous God who loves us more than we can imagine. He gave the one he loved most so that we might love him. He knows we are going to fall from time to time. What he seems to care most about is our hearts though. Hearts that long for him and to know him. That is part of the reason I am so thankful to have amazing brothers and sisters that have helped me see some of this. I am thankful that God is God! I am thankful that he loves us! I am thankful that he creates outstanding examples of Christ to walk among us. I am thankful he gave us his word which is a lamp unto our feet! Great love and peace to you in our Lord and Savior. May he hold you firm this weekend in his mighty hand. 🙂
“Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
I feel as though I am in a season of waiting. It is stretching my faith and my patience as I realize how undeserving I am. Yet I am thankful because through Christ I have been given so much. I have been forgiven! I am free! Yet through impatience I will admit I become frustrated until I am reminded how much He loves me and how He will work out things for my good. He is mighty to save! He is with me now, forever, and always! Thank you Jesus!
Captivating drops of innocence loss
Curling languidly down memory’s heart
Sequential steps toward heavenly moss
As I stand at the edge of the start
Everyday whispers flutter near eager ears
Hoping to catch one or two here
Knowing glimpses bring joyful tears
Forgetting hindsights from year to year
Cultivating fresh growth in mind
Melting hearts icy core
Pulling every weed of darkness find
Increasing hunger more
Graceful guidance gently brought
Dear sweet baby girl to her knees
Forgiveness of sin handsomely bought
Bringing Pure Holy Love that frees
What happens when we become discouraged? There is a word that someone speaks to us that hurts us and either shuts us down or makes us want to defend ourselves. This makes me think of the fight or flight scenario which is what we do when we feel threatened. Why do we feel threatened by a word? What is threatened? Is it our self image? Is it our self worth? Does that then mean that we are allowing someone else to tell us our worth? I do wonder why I feel so angry when someone treats me as though I am unimportant? Thinking about it, I can see that it is because I do care what they think of me, but more so I expect that they would think more of me. I want to demand that I be treated as though I am important, acceptable, and loved. However, the truth is that they are most likely incapable of that because they don’t feel worthy themselves, and out of the heart the mouth speaks. I am writing this because I am trying to wrap my head around it and I believe that this is an important message for everyone. If we didn’t feel threatened by the comments thrown at us we could respond in love which could ultimately win hearts for God and set the captives free so I don’t want to forget that. I also believe that when our foundation is based on what God thinks of us we will walk in a light even brighter than we can imagine!
This past month was a deep shaking for me. I do believe that we are caught in the middle of a war. A war for our souls…at least that is how this past month has seemed to play out. I have struggled deeply with faith issues like unanswered prayers and I have found that I can forget all the amazing things that the Lord has done for me just like those who were waiting for Moses. There is a deceptive underlying voice that utters subtle lies into my mind. On top of that there are deep wounds that still need to be healed in my heart. I know that God is slowly working out these things in my heart. He is changing me. I take comfort in the thought that a student generally becomes like his teacher. This prompts me to study more…to soak in His presence…to spend more time with Him. Sometimes I am in such a hurry to reach the end of the race that I miss the very things He is speaking into me which will have eternal benefits. The end of the race will come at it’s appointed time, but the chance to become more like Jesus and reach people for Him will end with the race so it is of utmost importance to not lose focus. There are a multitude of lost souls that are trapped in chains of bondage that only the gospel can break. That has eternal potential. I am just amazed that He would use a sinner like me to work out his plans! I love him so much. He doesn’t leave us or forsake us, but instead surrounds us with his love. He upholds us with his righteous right hand. Thank you Lord!